i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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