If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
