i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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