Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Randomize
