Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
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