I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
