seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
