Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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