i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
