Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
