Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
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