I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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