i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'm way too hungover for life right now
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
