woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Let's get the cat blown out
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
