Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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