I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize