I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
