i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Randomize
