11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
