I just saw a hot homeless man
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
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