break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Randomize
