I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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