He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
