We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
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