did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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