If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
