I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
