I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
