I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
