you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
i wish my penis had a tongue
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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