Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
We left an ass print on the piano.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
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