There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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