3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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