hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
