We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
