Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Randomize
