the new term for farting is butt boxing.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Randomize
