he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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