I am in a vortex of obligation.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
