I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
50% drunk capacity currently
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
