Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
