Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
