My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Randomize
