i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
