Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
