my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
