When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I wish they made helmets for livers.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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