Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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