conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Randomize