the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
