Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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