how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
We're too hungover to prance.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
