Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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