I am spending my child support on dildos
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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