Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
