He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Randomize
