I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
