I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
