You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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