He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Randomize