I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
