he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Randomize