I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
