Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I need water and some morals
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
