I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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