Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
